Everyone deserves a happy ever after.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl, her name was Joanna. She was a beautiful girl inside and out. She had a beautiful mind, a beautiful heart and a beautiful soul. She was the daughter of two wonderful parents who had given her the best education their ample income could afford. 

One day, after school was finished she met a boy. He was fun and quirky. Nothing like the boys she had met before. He made her smile and evoked a new kind of excitement she had never known before. She started to question the life she had laid out ahead of her. Maybe she didn't need any more education, after all she was quite grown up now and knew so very much already! As she pondered her future she became closer to this mysterious young man. He fascinated her and drew her closer with every long lingering embrace. 

Things quickly gained speed and, before they knew it, their relationship had taken on a physical passion way beyond any daydream had ever left them imagining possible.

As quickly as it started, it fizzled out. As though someone had removed a lens, all the fascination turned to irritation, the excitement to frustration. And without any real explanation from either party they went their own separate ways.

It was a warm sunny day, unusual for March when Joanna lay idly in bed pondering her choices for her now free and easy future... With no commitments, no plans, the world was hers for the taking. As she flicked absent-mindedly through her diary trying to find some inspiration for the day she began to wonder whether all this freedom and independence was really all it was cracked up to be.

Over dinner that night the interrogation began again over her plans for the future. Her parents were nothing if not purposeful and saw the money they had poured into their little girls education slowly seeping away. Before long the usual suggestion of joining the RAF came up. But something changed, instead of the habitual fury that was usually unleashed at this stage in the proceeding. Joanna found herself wondering silently... why not?

And as though nothing else had ever mattered she threw herself into this new venture with all the dedication of a Mama bear protecting her young.

The day came round fast for her medical, she was to be accepted into the next intake of recruits provided she was declared medically fit to do so. There was no doubt in the minds of all concerned that she would very soon be donning her uniform and beginning her prestigious carer... What could possibly go wrong? She was fit, healthy, mentally sound... oh and just a little bit pregnant!! 

That was NOT the plan...

What would her parents say? What would they do? More to the point what was SHE going to do?

The questions spun through her head, causing a vacant nausea, he limbs no longer belonged to her body and her heart was beating as though it was desperate to escape her chest and the reality of what was to come.

The next few weeks were a blur, a midwife was in there somewhere and lots of questions. Mostly shouted across the dinner table. Suggestions were made that are unspeakable. The beautiful young girl was being dragged by whirlwind  into adulthood. The freedom and independence stripped away with no sign of return. Her dreams shattered around her and the reality of her future looked harsh, cold and lonely.

Deciding she needed some time alone to ponder her choices she left home and went to stay at a supported home for teenage mums. A place many more before her had run to for support and clarity. It was nothing like the life she had known. No-one to cook, clean, wash, care... and the reality of colicy, read faced snot covered infants was not doing her vision of motherhood any favours!

With the support of councillors the decision was made to give her baby away... to a family who WANTED it.

That 'it' was me. 

My family most certainly DID want me. I was loved from the second they heard I was to be their own precious bundle of joy and hope. I could never have asked for more from them. 

Everyone deserves a happy ever after... even me.

Some days are different.

Some days are different... they start off like an ordinary day and they lul you into a false sense of security that you have this life nailed... I mean every day is either a Monday, or a Tuesday, or a Wednesday, or a ... well you get the picture. They arrive  always at the same time, with the same noisy alarm screaming at you to get up and get going. They predictably bring meals, school, chores errands, friends, laughter, tears and eventually bed time! But every now and the  one breaks the mould...

It shakes things up a bit and ensures you don't get too complacent!

Thursday was one of those days. 

Instead of a lovely picnic and fun at the park we spent 6 hours on the children's ward waiting for Beans sats to stabilise. Instead of chasing butterflies we were drawing them!

It wasn't a bad day... just different. And different is fun! It keeps you on your toes.  

Pants... Check!

With 5 little ladies in tow and no partner in crime abolition I headed to Wells for my God son's first holy communion. It all started well as we were able to sit in the very back of church giving me an easy line of escape should I need to evacuate with a small screaming Bean. I sat with my four frocked up girlies and smuggly congratulated myself on the monumental achievement of arriving in good time, with all children present and correct - Bean was fast asleep giving me a head start in the crowd control stakes but my greatest achievement, or so I thought, was having managed to detangle the coco pops from Beeb's hair. However I was soon to realise ensuring the presence of pants on every one of my darling princesses was to be by far the most valuable investment of time.
Being a Catholic church, we were graced with a great deal of pomp and circumstance. All very lovely, and a facinating display of tradition. But on the hottest day of the year sat snuggly in a pew with 5 fidgety, clammy and frankly bemused darlings and a Mother who is intent on spending the entire service totally unaware of the nose picking,  hair twiddling, toe nail nibbling grandaughters around her. I was, for the first time in the history of parenting, secretly elated to hear the once dreaded words... ' Mummy I need a wee'!
We snuck quietly to the bathroom and took our time in the cool, spacious corridor before returning to the proceedings. Before re-entering the church I took one last calming breath of incense free fresh air... Lord knows I needed it!!!
I should point out at this moment we had been gone less than 5 minutes... more like 3 in reality! ! That is less than 180 seconds. What could possibly go wrong in that time? I mean they were with my Mother...
Some how my service sheet had fallen on the floor and slid forwards under the feet of the row of un-suspecting parishioners in front. Loulou had taken it upon herself to retrieve said item and in doing so had launched head first under the seat thinking nothing of the fact she was wearing a rather pretty, but rather unforgiving summer dress! Needless to say the dress was not doing anything for her modesty and all that remained of my once angelic 7 year old was her bottom sticking up between the rows like Winnie the pooh stuck in a honey pot!!! The poor man next to her didn't know what to do less still how to help! But to be honest, I didn't care! I was too busy basking in the relief that we had a pants check this morning!!

When I married the man of my dreams 6 years ago I thought our troubles were over. I believed that on that beautiful day he was making a pledge to never leave my side. I felt a new connection that I knew in my heart would bind me to him for all eternity. I believe he had every intention of living every word of his vows. 

You see we were different... we had 'done' life. And we had 3 beautiful daughters to prove it!
What I didn't realise was life was not 'done' with us! My misguided dreams of heading off into the sunset, down a bump free road hand in hand were not to be.
I should point out at this time that we had had our fair share of troubles and worries over the 7 years we had shared. But who hasn't?  I thought we had a strength that only we knew... a bond that would keep us forever understanding the other's point of view...
I couldn't have been more deluded if I had set out to be! Life has a funny way of throwing things at you that your concious refuses to acknowledge are possible to overcome. . .
People close to us have watched as we have made choices for our family that from the outside must have looked like emotional suicide... and by the grace of God they have stood with us and been ready to catch us when we fell.
My dreams of a blissful carefree marriage are a long way behind us. My faith in love is not.
This isn't just any person though... this is MY person. My man. My best friend. He found me. In a dark lonely place. Together we are better. As two individuals we are strong and capable but as ONE we are indestructible.
We have made mistakes independently and as a couple. What matters is what we do with those. Do we run from them, bury them and pretend to the world that we are the perfect Disney characters we once wished we were. Or do we stand up hold on tight and love unconditionally?
I cannot make that choice for anyone but me. And I choose to love, always and fully in all that comes our way.

This is enough

One day I will be old. I will sit, lonely, in my quiet home, reminiscing on days of hustle and bustle. Recalling the time my body worked without assistance and my mind was free to function fully. This is something I have no control over, something that will creep up on me with the certainty of the first cold autumn winds. I have no choice and no amount of facial regimes,  botox or wishful thinking will avoid this inevitable demise.
This however is not the case for today... I have every choice over what I do, feel and think. I can choose to worry about the ever growing mountain of festering laundry or the distinct smell of forgotten, once tasty left overs in the back of the fridge. I can wake up and use my day to ensure my car is shiny, the grass is cut and my panties are ironed. OR I can get along side my darling daughters and see the world change and evolve through their eyes. I CAN enjoy the moments of disappointment,  discipline and disgust. Safe in the knowledge that when I am old and weary of this world I will have left a little bit of me secure in their hearts... memories of love and time... This is enough. The rest can wait for the day that bedroom doors aren't slammed, toilets are flushed and there are no more grazed knees to tend.

Precaffinated disaster.

Today started with the usual breakfast bedlam.  Followed by missing socks and another unannounced visit from the hairbrush fairy.(goodness only knows what she does with them all!!)
All of this I could have coped with and frankly I wouldn't expect any less from our brood but today in my precaffinated state I was forced to endure more than any sleep deprived 20 something mother of many could reasonably be expected to be prepared for...  This morning poor little Lola (our gorgeous butter wouldn't melt border terrier puppy) got her foot trapped in the kitchen door and proceeded to do her very best massacred baby bunny impression outside on the decking. When the screaming and howling finally ceased we were left with a very forlorn pooch with one leg that despite vast amounts of coxing would not EVER make contact with the floor again... or so it seemed.
We dutifully made an appointment with our vet and arrived in good time (a first time for everything ;-) ) ensuring we had plenty of time to entertain the receptionist with our usual roudy antics! Poor Lola sat in Mando's arms letting out the occasional pitiful wimper and looked on her family with such a look of disappointment that I was sure the receptionist would be on the phone to the RSPCA the second the consulting room door was closed! I was just sat counting my lucky stars that we had insurance to cover this bill that I was sure was going to be huge when we were called in.
The darling little creature was placed on the table for the damage to be assessed.  No sooner had I explained that she was unable to stand up (and had barely moved from her bed since the horrendous incident occurred) than she was stood on he back legs with front feet on the unsuspecting vet's shoulders kindly ensuring she was clean behind the ears!!! So I kindly and calmly thanked the vet for her time and patience and escaped to the comparable serenity of my van. Albeit £30 lighter!

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? ... oh the irony! It seems more like why do today something that can wait for tomorrow!!!
Little Bean arrived in our lives 12 weeks ago and quite frankly turned our life on its head!!! As a mother of 4 daughters already I thought I knew it all and had certainly found my 'way' of doing things. However Bean decided to shake things up a little... and life has never been the same since!
After a lot of guilt ridden evenings thinking of all the things I wished I had done with my girlies I have started this blog to document the things I HAVE done! This is by no means a place for me to brag... simply a place for me to seek comfort that when life is hectic and the days fly past I can pause a reflect on our little successes!